Spirit Lead Me

I was listening to this in the car today and the first part of this song instantly provoked emotion and tears that I couldn't stop. It came out of no where and shocked me that I became so overwhelmed so quickly. 

God is calling me  into the water, a place of fear and unknown. A place that I don't want to go to. I feel like kicking and screaming and saying NO! I can't do this. I wont do this! This water carries so many terrifying thoughts.

Through all this emotion of fear, I cant help but feel that God has a purpose wrapped up in this trial. I feel God telling me that although this is scary and unknown, He is there. Already making a way for my family.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my savior

I have sung this line before so many times. Singing it at the top of my lungs and not fully realizing that God may eventually lead me to place where my trust in Him would have no borders. And calling me to place that I know for a fact my feet would never wander on there own. 

I don't want to go here and I don't want to be put in such a vulnerable spot, but I can tell that God has other plans for me. That somehow things that only God can do will surround me as we go down this path. 

This will forever be in my heart. Saying it over and over again and trusting that my God is powerful and all knowing, and leading me right where He wants me.

So I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves.
When oceans rise my soul
Will rest in your embrace,
For I am yours and you are mine.

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) - Hillsong United (Zion)

My Purpose

Some days can just be unbearable. The days of seizures, the days of talking on the phone to 50 different medical teams, the days of fighting with insurance and the days of fighting off tears. Some days seem great and others seem impossible. It's usually at night when the weight of the day comes crashing down. Going over what your child's medical team thinks is best, going over what outside bystanders think is best, and then trying to find through all the chaos, what you actually think is best.  Always using every inch of your mind to figure out whats going on and the best way for you to remedy the situation.

As soon as I feel my heart start to crumble, I reflect upon my sweet and very innocent daughters face. I see her going through her day the best she can, flashing smiles and waves, rocking her babies and giving them their medicine so they can feel better. My heart breaks for her, and the pain of this disease seems to be heavier than this momma can handle. I wish so badly that this wasn't our reality. I know that things could be far worse. But some nights it's easier to cry and let the hurt and frustration empty from my eyes. I know tomorrow will start new and the sweet sound of, "morning momma" will reassure my soul of its purpose. My purpose to love  her and to nurture her and to tell her she is stronger than anything this world could ever throw her way. And to make sure she know's that this momma will always be here to shield away every hurt that I can. She will not see or know what defeat means. She will only know courage and strength. On the days my heart is aching I know that my purpose in life is much stronger than the sorrow that comes with this world.

I love you Madilyn.

You are my greatest accomplishment and I am your biggest fan.