What if...?

I've been debating on this next blog for awhile. Do I really want to share all the things that are so personal? Will people think I'm crazy for giving such personal details? Well, I finally decide that if I was afraid of sharing personal things, I probably wouldn't have opened up about everything so long ago. And I do feel these blog post to be very therapeutic. It's always eye opening to go back to old post, especially those in April, and read the words of a very heartbroken mother, and see how far we have come since then. So with that being said here we go..

I have baby fever! There, I said it. I see all these sweet babies being born and my heart is happy. Then my heart aches for the cuddling of a newborn baby. People often ask when we will give Madilyn a sister. If it were up to me she would already be a big sister. In fact, just a few weeks before Maddie was diagnosed with Tuberous Sclerosis, Chris and I had decided to start trying in August. Our hope was to be pregnant by the time Maddie turned one. The ironic thing about this whole topic is that before I met Chris, I was strongly against ever having kids. I told myself I wasn't a kid person and would NEVER be able to be a stay at home mom. I mean who in their right mind would ever want that?!....

Yeah, comical. Everything I thought I'd never want, is now something I love and wish I could have more of. I never thought that I'd want to have more children and possibly not be able to. It's not something that I ever thought I would have to battle.

What most people don't understand is that there is a chance that Chris or I could have this disorder. TSC is a disorder that affects people so differently. Some are diagnosed in-utero, some at birth, and others are in their 40's before they ever have any of the TS manifestations. Because we could have it, we have to wait for genetic testing, before we are comfortable having more children. We have also been encouraged to wait by many doctors.

When we found out that Maddie had this genetic disease we went through different emotions. One big one was guilt. Could one of us given this to our daughter? Could we live with the guilt if we did? What if we can't have more children and we leave Maddie an only child. She won't have siblings when we pass away to take care of her. Who will be there for her? You will notice a common saying in this post...What if?

Along with the hurt of wanting to have more children and thought of maybe not getting that wish, I also have a fear of getting the results. What if it's me? What if I start having seizures later on and then Chris has the responsibility of taking care of me, plus the thought of having a daughter with this disorder. It starts to make me panic. And I start trying to fix something that we don't know even know yet.

As a mom, who probably has a little OCD, I can't help but want to TRY and be prepared for everything. I want to have a plan, I want to never be caught with my guard down, I want to fix the problems, even those that haven't happened. I have been struggling with these thoughts a lot here lately. It usually goes in this order...1. Oh cute sweet baby 2. I want to grow our family 3. I want the genetic testing to hurry up 4. I don't want to know the results... It's a viscous cycle of worry. I cycle that I don't have to deal with...

The past few weeks the same verse has made its way to me in several different ways. It's like God has been planting it everywhere to get to me to notice His word. And believe it.

Mathew 6:34

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is it's own troubles.

This is such a great reminder for me to not worry about tomorrow. Me worrying about genetic testing, and worrying about growing our family, and all of the what if's, is only going to make me go crazy. I know that God has been with us from the beginning of this journey, and I know He will not be leaving us anytime in the future. He does have a plan for my family and I completely trust in that plan. I will let him mold my family into what He wants, and not into what I think is best. I am going to put my worry into the words of prayer. I am giving it to Him.

I am confident in God's plan for my family.

Isaiah 41:13

For I am The Lord, your God, who takes hold of your hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.