Trusting

Sitting in the hospital was not what we had pictured for our first few days of the new year. I certainly didn't expect multiple blood draws, catheters, IV's  and all the other fun things that come along with a stay. But to be honest, these hospital stays are always haunting me in the dark corners of my mind. I say haunting because realistically it is something we have to prepare ourselves for, it unfortunately can often accompany this disease. We have been very fortunate to have very few hospital stays in the last 2 years. That being said it doesn't make them any easier. It reminds us of the ugliness of this disease. It's a big punch to the gut to hear, "most kids would be fine fighting this viral infection at home, but your child has epilepsy and tuberous sclerosis, and that's not the case." It's really hard not to get defensive when I hear these words. Or even jealous. I wish we were home pushing fever reducers, and cuddling Maddie, being able to roam freely in the comfort of our own home without EEG wires and IV wires. It's hard not to start envying the normalcy of sickness.  That's sounds crazy, but it's true. This disease leaves me fighting being bitter so often. I constantly am fighting to remember that God's Peace has been freely given to me. I only need to seek it and accept it. I have to constantly remind myself of His love and Grace for our family. I am human and it is so easy to fall into a black hole of doom and gloom. We could sit here and wallow in our self-pity, believe me I have a lot. And in the last 24 hours I have had to slam the door several times as I see myself allowing it to creep in. But feeling sorry for ourselves and being down brings nothing positive to our situation, it doesn't change it, and it only rubs off on those around us, especially Maddie. I want Maddie to be strong and to never ever have the thought of us giving up on her. When she is struggling from the stress this disease brings I hope she knows we will always be strong for her, like we know our God is always strong for us. 

I know that this is a tiny piece of Gods plan for our family. I am trusting in His perfect plan. I am leaning on friends and family to lift us up, helping us bridge the gap when our souls begin to feel weathered. I am so thankful for all of you praying for us. And I can wait to share with you what God is doing in our lives. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV)